can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
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She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
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the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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