I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dicks are not precious.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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