Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She announced her abortion via fbk
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
