I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
