If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
