hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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