How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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