I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
