Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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