She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
