2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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