last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
