i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
accomplished twins. life is a go
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
