Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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