just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I supernannyed him into submission
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
