my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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