i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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