i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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