quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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