One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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