Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
