omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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