well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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