Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
