if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car