the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
