All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Everything about him screamed your future.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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