I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
