My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
