I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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