ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
How naked do you want me to be?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
