Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
No stitches, just platelets and will power
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
