I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I need to align my fucking chakras
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
