I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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