did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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