Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
