dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
