i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
