Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.