Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
