tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
