Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
