i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
