it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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