If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
