I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
