dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
