so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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