1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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