I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
