I love black thongs
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
