I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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