My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
