I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
