i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
