i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.