I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
