what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
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